Just Let Go!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5,6

(Disclaimer: This post is more a stream of consciousness thing than anything else. I am in awe of God's sovereignty today and want desperately for you to see how AMAZING our God is! So, my apologies if this rambles or does not make sense. It is coming straight from my heart.)

God is faithful. Why do we ever doubt it? Why do I ever doubt it? God has always shown up right on time in the most perfect way. And yet, I doubt.

God has been telling me for several weeks that I needed to open myself up to the body of Christ and trust His provision. Last Thursday morning at Bible Study, He used a precious sister to show me the importance of having the counsel of older, wiser godly women. Up until this time, the only women older than myself that I looked to for guidance were my mom and my therapist. I trust both of them implicitly, but Mom is my mom and my therapist is my therapist. What I need are women to trust, to ask for guidance, to pray with, to speak Truth into my life. So I made plans with a sweet sister to get together sometime during the coming week.

And I began to pray. "God show me what to do. Open doors for me where they need to be. Close the doors that I am not supposed to walk through. Give me discernment to know what to share, how much to share, and with whom to share it. Bring the right women into my life."

As soon as I began praying this on Thursday, my depression set in with a fury. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was crying without cause or reason. I lost all interest in living. I stopped eating - my apetite was just gone. Satan had renewed his attacks on me with a vengeance! He had gotten scared! Unfortunately, so had I. Fear set in. All those old lies came to the surface. The temptations were overwhelming. I felt myself shut down, close myself off from the rest of the world, put on my mask when needed, and be what everyone expected me to be. At least that way nobody would have to know that I was afraid.

On Sunday, I made plans to meet with two very special women on Monday - one for lunch, one in the evening. I was already freaking out on the inside. This was me stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone. But underneath the panic, was peace. I was listening for God and being obedient.

Both of these ladies blessed my socks off and have agreed to walk with me on this journey in very different but very important ways. I had no idea how quickly God would answer this prayer. (He tends to take His time with me - in my opinion.) I also had no idea how soon my trust in God would be put to the test. Last night, my therapist and I came to the agreement that I would "take off the training wheels" and try things out on my own for a WHOLE MONTH! I have been staying so frustrated and depressed that all I see if failure. This break will give me a chance to see myself making progress. It sounds good to say it. It makes sense to hear it. It scares the bejeebies out of me to walk it out. But....I have chosen to "lean not on my own understanding" and to trust.

Today, God is telling me, "Just let go. I've got you. You're going to be fine. You're not going to go anywhere that I haven't already ordained." Just one snag in that pep talk - my Joe has had the stomach bug since last night. Those lonely hours in the middle of the night. The laundry. Trying to keep the germs from infecting all of us. Seeing my baby hurting. It was all too much - PANIC ATTACK (or several)!

BUT GOD is faithful!

I woke up this morning to the most amazing display of God's love that I have experienced in a long time. I was receiving texts, facebook posts, emails all offering encouragement, prayers, support. One precious sister even offered to come and sit with my sick little boy so that I could go to the gym and get my workout in. Such thoughtfulness! I have not felt such love before, because it came, not just from my best friend or the people I would expect to hear from, but from the body of Christ.

I am still very anxious about not seeing my therapist for a month. But, boy, am I excited to see the body of Christ at work in my life for the next month! Wow! I have someone who has agreed to be my Aaron and someone to be my Hur. I have sisters who don't even know me praying for me, standing in the gap while my "Aaron" and my "Hur" are both out of town. I have someone who has agreed to be my mentor, to walk closely with me on this journey. I have so much love coming at me! I had been depending on my therapist to be the entire body of Christ for me, because it is so very difficult for me to be weak and vulnerable. (See previous post.) But by asking God to show me, then taking the time to listen for His response, and then being obedient - He has reminded me yet again of His faithfulness and has demonstrated it to me in the most powerful way!

"Just let go, Casey."
"But God, I'll fall. I'll fail. I'll never make it."
"Just let go, Casey."

And I did. And you know what? I didn't fall - my sisters in Christ caught me with His arms. And you know what else? I may still fail. But Jesus says, "My grace is sufficient for you." It may seem like I will never make it. But I've got a "great cloud of witnesses" cheering me on!

And so do you. Just let go, my friends, and see the power of God!!